HURT

Seems like it was yesterday when i saw your face..hmm.but its nothing, recently i've been exposed with everything..what is good for life. now I'm just wondered that how is it like?? if i said i'm being dumbed right now, yes it is. these are what i meant by a circle of life before.

 

Yes, i feel that I am nobody, let me just be honest, I feel that i'm a terrible person with all these kind of stuff. I'm just so sad..even there is no one that truly know who i am actually. Every night,before sleep, i always thinking what im gonna do for the next 5 years with my family? with my friends? with my life?

People said that i'm become weird and weirder. I dont know why i feel that i'm stuck with everything even though i have to run and i'm still stuck. Yes i cry.. and still crying in front of my lappy, typing a very single alphabets and each phrase that full of expression on how I feel for this journey as a teenager. 'He' never understands me.. look, im really sorry for blaming you with everything because i'm just hurt myself by hurting you.Oh im totally screwed up!!

God! please help me, help me with this. i'll try and always pretend to be alright even though i'm not, i never admit if i broke inside, and its so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.. i just need one more chance. please. Sometimes i feel that i will never find a happiness in this circle of life, im just alone and struggle with myself. no one knows,its only you god knows how i feel now.

i write this on wednesday at 12.54 a.m with dogs barking to each other,  im alone in my room, crying while typing and all by myself.i dont know which is the better part of me.

I love you dad, i love you, please dont make me feel guilty again,there's nothing i wouldn't do to hear your voice again. would you tell me i was wrong?? im just want more chance.

dad i just want you to know that If I had just one more day I would tell you how much that I've missed you since i.ve been away from you..I hope you will find the truth through my blog, im sure one day you would be able to read all this about what i feel as your son which is you never understand before..thank you for all you've done for me from the day i was created. What i wanted to do is to be happy, i just want you to know that i'm alone. i have no brother that i can share with,what i had was a sister that never understands.. why its so hard for you to understand? maybe i never tell you before just because i can't. really can't

 

 

i just wanted to be happy as my childhood

I think, it is not complicated to lead the spiritual life. But it is difficult. I'm blind and subject to a thousand illusions. I must expect to be making mistakes all the time and must be content to fail repeatedly and to begin again to try to deny myself for the love of God. 

It is when i'm angry at our own mistakes that I tend most of all to deny myself for love of myself. I want to shake off the hateful thing that has humbled me. In my rush to escape the humiliation of my mistakes, i'm run headfirst into the opposite error, seeking comfort and compensation. And so I spend my life running back and forth from one attachment to another.

If that is all my self-denial amounts to, my mistakes will never help me. the thing to do, when you have made a mistake, is not to give up doing what you were doing and start something altogether new, but to start over again with the thing you began badly and try, for the love of God, to do it well.